GUIDANCE FOR THE MUSLIM WIFE
SAYINGS OF RASULULLAH (SALLALLAHU ALAIHI WASALLAM)

Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam was extremely merciful upon
the ummah. He said "You all are about to fall into the fire and I am holding your backs and preventing you from falling into it". 
Rasulullah's Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam favour upon the ummat was
that he showed men and women the way to lead their lives. Here are a few Ahaadith advising women:

HADEETH 1. Rasulullah  Sallallahu  Alaihi Wasallam said that the
woman who performed her five daily prayers and kept the fast of
Ramadan and protected herself from evil acts i.e. adultery and
obeyed her husband, has a choice to enter heaven from whichever door she pleases.  (HULYA)

HADEETH 2. Rasulullah  Sallallahu  Alaihi  Wasallam said:  " A woman has two veils: the first is the husband and the second is the grave. The one that conceals more is the grave." (TABRANI)

HADEETH 3.  Nabi Kareem Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "A
religious widow is addressed as a martyr in the heavens" i.e. she is remembered with the honourable title of a martyr  in heaven for any
act she performs.

HADEETH 4. Ibn Abbas Radhiallahu anhu narrates that a woman came to  Rasulullah  Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam and said:"I have come as a
representative of all women. We want to present a petition to you.
Jihaad is fardh (compulsory) on men and only they obtain the reward
of martyrdom. We women are deprived of it although we take
responsibility for all their domestic affairs".  Rasulullah
Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "Convey this message on my behalf
to all the women that they can achieve the reward of jihaad by
obeying their husbands, but very few women consider this to be a
reward."

HADEETH 5.  It is reported from Hazrat Ibn Umar Radhiallahu Anhu
that Rasulullah  Sallallahu  Alaihi Wasallam said that when a woman
leaves her home without her husband's consent then all the angels of the skies and the entire universe curse her for this act until she
returns home. (TABRANI).

HADEETH 6.  Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said that the
fragrance of heaven will be forbidden for a woman who asks her
husband for divorce without any valid reason. (TIRMIZI)

HADEETH 7. Rasulullah  Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said that if a
woman died and her husband was pleased with her during her life,
undoubtedly she has entered heaven.

HADEETH 8.  Rasulullah  Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "O woman,
your heaven and hell is your husband" (i.e. a woman will enter
heaven if the husband is pleased, and hell if he is displeased with
her). (TARGEEB)

HADEETH 9.  Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said that the best woman is the one that pleases her husband. When he looks at her, she pleases him. When he commands her, she obeys him. When he absents
himself (goes away on a journey etc.) she protects his wealth  and
his honour. (BAIHAQI)

HADEETH 10.  The Messenger of Allah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said
that Shaytaan (the devil) sits on his throne daily and dispatches
his agents to work among human beings. One of the agents returns and says that I made a certain person commit a sin, another says I got
so and so involved in this offence. Upon listening to all this
Shaytaan says that you have done nothing great. Eventually one
representative comes and says that I saw a husband and wife
extremely devoted to each other. I sowed the seeds of enmity between them. On hearing this Shaytaan becomes happy and  embracing his
agent says  that you have achieved something great. (MISHKAT)
The love between husband and wife is the biggest blow to Shaytaan.
From this it is apparent how meritorious this love is. 

HADEETH 11.  Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said:  The woman
who applies perfume and passes by men is an adulteress. (TIRMIZI). 
Today the woman who applies perfume and goes to the shopping
centres, alleys and cinemas should ponder how grave a sin she is
committing. 

HADEETH  12. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "Once I saw a ghair mahram (strange) man and a young woman together in a place.
Consequently I had a strong fear that Shaytaan will make use of this opportunity i.e. he will besmirch their character and destroy the
honour of the woman.

HADEETH 13.  Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: Keep
yourselves away from strange women. One companion asked: "O Rasul of Allah, tell me, can the husband's brother mix freely with his sister-
in-law. "Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam  replied : "He is
like death for a woman."  (Bukhari and Muslim)
i.e. just as partaking of poison leads to death in this world,
similarly the brother-in-law's mixing with a woman is poison for
their character and a cause of destruction of the life of the
hereafter.

HADEETH 14.  Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "It is
haram for the women of my Ummah to take a bath in the public
baths".  (HAKIM)
i.e. women should keep away from places which are frequented  by
ghair mahram (strange) males.  What purpose do they have in a place
frequented by males?

HADEETH 15.  Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said: 
Whichever woman applies scent should not join us for the Esha
prayers. (ABU DAWOOD)

During the early Islamic era, women used to perform salaat behind
Rasulullah  Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam in congregation. On that
occasion Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "Those women
who apply perfume should not come to the musjid for salaat," because there is a fear of instilling desire in the hearts of men due to the sweet fragrance of the perfume and this will be a cause of
corruption. If Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam prevented women who applied perfume from attending the musjid during his noble era,
there will be a greater need for precaution in this age of
corruption.

HADEETH 16.  Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "The woman
who boastfully parades in front of males after adorning herself is
like the darkness of Qiyamat."

HADEETH 17. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said:  "A woman
whose 3 children die in infancy or before reaching the age of
puberty and who bears the loss with patience, hoping for reward 
will most certainly enter heaven. (MISHKAT)
Therefore if we are confronted with such a calamity, we should have
patience and forbearance.  To wail and mourn is not the habit of a
Muslim wife. It (the child) was the property of Allah which He took
back.  However, it is not sinful to shed tears.

HADEETH 18. Nabi Kareem Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said:  "The best
women of my ummah are those that are beautiful and whose dowry is
less". (Dailami)

What wisdom is there in unnecessarily burdening the husband with an
extravagant dowry especially if he cannot afford it? The success of
the marriage is the mutual love of the partners which cannot be
purchased by wealth.

HADEETH 19.  Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said:  Whoever
consoled a woman that lost her child will be given the clothes of
Paradise to wear. (MISHKAT)
i.e. when you go to offer your condolences to a woman who lost her
child, do not join her in wailing and crying. On the contrary, speak to her in such a manner so as to induce patience in her.  Allah has
promised a person who does this the garments of Jannah.

HADEETH 20.  Rasulullah  Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said that Allah
Subhanahu Taala says "Sight is a poisonous arrow of the devil.
Whosoever, whether male or female protects himself or herself from
evil glances  will be granted a sweet Iman (faith) which will please his/her heart."(TABRANI)

The disease of glancing at men without regarding it as sinful is
common among women. This can occur even though they (the woman) may
be fully concealed. The arrow of Shaytaan works discreetly.

HADEETH 21.  Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "The worst
person on the day of Qiyamah will be the one who reveals the private life of his wife to others." (Muslim)

Similarly some women have the habit of revealing their private
matters to their friends. This is a major sin which should be
abstained from.

HADEETH 22. Nabi Kareem Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "When a
husband calls his wife at night to have relations with her and she
refuses without a valid Shari reason, she is cursed throughout the
night by the angels." (BUKHARI)

HADEETH 23.  Nabi Kareem Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said:  There are
3 persons whose salaah is not accepted nor does any good act of
theirs reach the sky.  Firstly, a runaway slave until he returns to
his master.  Secondly, a woman whose husband is displeased with her
and thirdly an intoxicated person as long as he does not repent from using intoxicants.  (BAIHAQI)

Imagine how serious it is to displease the husband that the wife's
salaah is not accepted nor any other good deed of hers.

HADEETH 24.  Hadhrat Aisha Radhiallahu Anha says that Rasulullah
Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam was sitting amongst the Muhajireen and
Ansaar when a camel came and prostrated before him. Upon this the
Sahaaba Radhiallahu Anhum said "O Prophet of Allah, if the animals
and trees prostrate to you, then we have more rights to prostrate to you."   On hearing this Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam
said "Worship your Sustainer and honour me. Had I given the command
to anyone to prostrate, I would have commanded the wife to prostrate to her husband.  The husband's right is so great that if he commands her to carry a stone from the yellow mountain to the black mountain
and then from the black mountain to the white one, she has to fulfil this duty."

HADEETH 25. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said "No woman
should ask her husband to divorce his second wife in order to
achieve her rights because she will only receive what has been
preordained for her." (BUKHARI and MUSLIM)

For example, a person who is married intends to marry a second
woman. This woman tells him to divorce the first wife before she
will marry him , or there are two women in one person's nikah and
one says that she will only live with the husband on condition that
he divorces the other.  This has been prohibited by Rasulullah
Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam because each one has her own destiny and
should  be thankful for that.

HADEETH 26. Rasulullah  Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "The rights of the husband on the wife are so great that if pus flows on the
husband's body and the woman licks it clean, then too his rights
will not be fully fulfilled."  (TARGHEEB)

HADEETH 27.  Rasulullah  Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said:  "The
world is a commodity and its best commodity is a pious woman who
assists her husband in matters concerning the hereafter." (RAZEEN)

By being patient and enduring a life of poverty, women can grant
their husbands more spare time for religious duties. However this is not prevalent today. If the husband intends to do religious work,
the wife presents a whole list of requirements to him which forces
him to become engrossed in secular matters.

HADEETH 28. Whenever a strange man and woman meet in seclusion
Shaytaan definitely is the third one by joining them. (TIRMIZI) i.e. Shaytaan  arouses  their passions and incites them to commit evil.

HADEETH 29.  Nabi Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said:  Make purdah
(i.e. conceal yourselves) from a blind man. Ummul Mumineen Hadhrat
Aisha Radhhiallahu Anha said "O Prophet of Allah, he is blind. How
can he see us?"  Rasulullah Sallallahu  Alaihi  Wasallam
replied: "He may be blind, but you are not blind".    (AHMAD,TIRMIZI)

Some women do not make purdah from blind people because of their
inability to see. From this hadeeth we can deduce that just as it is forbidden for a man to look at a woman, similarly it is forbidden
for a woman to gaze at a strange man.

HADEETH 30.  Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "A woman
should be kept concealed. When she emerges from the home without
necessity, Shaytaan makes her appealing in the sight of men."
(TIRMIZI)

Evil persons are attracted to her and begin following her or mention her in the gathering of men. This implies that she should leave the
house only out of dire necessity.  Today it has become a fashion to
adorn the burqa and to embroider the trousers so as  to attract
men.  The burqa  was originally made for the purpose of purdah, but
we have made it an object of adornment.

HADEETH 31.  Rasulullah  Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said:  "The most blessed nikah is the one with the least expenses." (BAIHAQI- IN
SHUABUL IMAN)

Today, many of the destitute destroy the youth of their daughters
because of not being able to uphold petty customs. They do not
possess anything to give nor do they want to have the nikah without
an extravagant dowry in fear of being criticized by the  other
family members. In order to make our nikahs more blessed  we should
abandon these futile customs and on such occasions take a lesson
from the simple nikah of Hadhrat Fatima al- Zahra Radhiallahu Anha
whose dowry was one water-bag and one bed.

HADEETH 32. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said:  "O women,
after sitting in a gathering of women do not go home and explicitly
describe any woman to your husbands." (MUSLIM)

This may incline your husband towards her and his affection for you
may diminish. What noble advice has been given to us by our Rasul
Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam.

HADEETH 33. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said:  "May Allah
curse those women who imitate men in appearance and those men who
imitate women." (MISHKAT)

Women should not appear like men in their attire and physical
appearance.

HADEETH 34.  Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said :   "When
heaven and hell were shown to me I saw that the majority of the
inmates of hell were women." (MISHKAT)

The reason for this is that women are ungrateful and disobedient to
their husbands. Although they will be leading a comfortable life but as soon as there is a minor problem, they will, on the slightest
pretext show ingratitude.

HADEETH 35. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "Shall I
inform you which woman will enter heaven?"  The Sahaba
replied:  "Yes most certainly".  Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi
Wasallam said "The woman who has children, is lovable, when she
becomes angry the husband consoles her and when the husband becomes
angry she says that as long as you do not become pleased with me, I
will not even apply surmah (antimony) to my eyes."  (TABRANI)

HADEETH 36.  Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said:  "It is not permissible for any woman to fast optionally without her husband's
permission, and it is not permissible for her to allow anyone into
his house without his consent."  (BUKHARI)

HADEETH 37. Rasulullah  Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said:  "When any
woman troubles her husband, the celestial bride (hur) of heaven
calls out "Woe to you. Do not trouble him. He is temporarily with
you. He is going to leave you and be our guest. Why do you trouble
our beloved?" (IBN MAJAH)

HADEETH 38.  The Messenger of Allah said that women are married for
their lineage, wealth, beauty and piety. You should marry one who is pious (BUKHARI).

HADEETH 39.  Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said:  "It is
extremely abominable for a woman's shoulder to touch a man.  It is
better to touch a pig that is all messed up than for a woman to
touch the body of a strange man."  (TABRANI)

HADEETH 40. Nabi Kareem Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said "A woman
cannot fulfill the rights of Allah without fulfilling the rights of
her husband. Even if a woman is busy at the stove and the husband
calls her, in that busy period also she must leave all her work and
answer his request." (TABRANI)

If Muslim wives mould their lives in the light of the above-
mentioned 40 ahaadeeth, every Muslim house can become a model of
Jannat. All kinds of quarrels will cease and the misfortune of
divorce will not prevail.  Children brought up in such an
environment will be an example of piety, discipline, love and
sympathy. May Allah make every Muslim house practice upon this.

SOCIAL CONTACT

There are two guardians appointed for every home :  the man and the
woman.  For the upkeeping of the home it cannot be said that one has less responsibility than the other.  The responsibility of each one
can be realised from the following points:

1. The gale that has blown from Europe today concerning the equality of men and women has ruined many Muslim homes. Both have their
separate limits within which they must pass their lives.  If these
limits cease to exist, the home becomes an example of hell as is the occurrence in Europe. Those people who are inviting women to this
destruction in the veil of good advice are not helpers of women but
great enemies.

2. The relationship between husband and wife has to be endured
throughout their entire lives.  If both their hearts are united,
there can be no greater bounty, and if there is some difference
between them, (may Allah forbid) there can be no greater calamity.
As far as possible obey your husband. Bear the little difficulties
of this world to achieve the bounties of the hereafter.

3. The tongue is a means of disgrace and honour for a human. Great
virtue can be derived if it is protected. Some women utter certain
statements due to lack of understanding and without contemplation.
These can offend their husbands.  They utter statements at
unsuitable occasions, accuse or say something enraging in their
anger which can hurt the man's feelings. This could have disastrous
consequences. Remember well that once a man's heart has been injured due to some statement you made and you console and please him after
a few days, then too the situation will not be as before. You can
make a thousand excuses and apologize, but the love will not be as
it was before. The human memory is very strong in remembering a past misery. It will continue to haunt his memory.

4. Women are said to be the garments of men.  Just as a garment
remains with a person during hot and cold weather, so should the
husband and wife live together.  Do not ask for more than what the
husband can afford.  Be satisfied with whatever you get even if it
be bread.  Do not look at a woman whose status is higher and become
greedy. On the contrary, look at one who is lower than you and be
thankful and patient.  If at any time you like some jewellery or
clothing and the husband cannot afford it, do not ask him for it nor grieve or express regret at not having it; in fact do not even
mention it.

5. A woman should conceal her husband's secrets. If she is
experiencing a difficult time she should not reveal this to anyone.  She should always express joy so that the husband is not grieved. 
In this manner she will win him over and her respect will increase
in his sight.

6. Also remember that if he brings anything for you, always express
happiness whether you like the present or not.  Do not criticize the present, for that will hurt his feelings and he will never want to
bring anything for you, but if you praise it and take it happily it
will please him and he will bring something better the next time. Do not be ungrateful to your husband because the one who is ungrateful
to any person is ungrateful to Allah.  This is the reason why more
women will go to hell as mentioned in a hadeeth.  Rasulullah
(Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said "I saw many women in hell." 
Someone asked:  "O Prophet of Allah, why are there going to be more
women in hell?"  Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said " They
curse others excessively and are very ungrateful to their
husbands".  From this, one can gather how sinful it is to be
ungrateful to a husband.

7.  A successful wife is one that recognizes the husband's nature. 
You should try and understand his temperament.  If he is angry, do
not utter something that will increase his anger.  Always watch his
mood before speaking.  If he responds to jokes by expressing
happiness then continue doing so, otherwise not.  If he is
displeased with you, do not sit with a sullen face.  Instead plead
with him for forgiveness and try to win him over whether it is your
fault or not.  This will result in his love increasing for you.

8. There are many etiquettes of love without which the claim to love is baseless.  Understand well that the relationship between husband
and wife cannot arise from a hollow love. With love the respect of
the husband is also essential.  It is totally wrong to regard the
husband's status as your own.

9. The husband's status is more than your father's.  Therefore do
not ask him to serve you in any manner.  If he, out of love begins
serving you,  do not let him do so.  Ask yourself if your father
were to do the same would you allow it?

10.  Some women first search their husband's pockets when they
return from a journey and ask them how much money and how many goods they have brought not realizing that the greatest treasure is the
husband himself who has returned safely.  Why not be happy and
thankful for that?  When the husband returns from a journey inquire
about his health, his stay and if he experienced any difficulties. 
Firstly ask him if he is hungry so that you can  feed him.  When he
lies down after having meals, massage his hands and feet. Fan him if it is hot.  In short, make him as comfortable as possible.

11. The rights of the husband's parents are very great.  When their
rights over your husband are so great that without obeying them he
cannot be forgiven, then what is your position?  You have been
commanded to obey your husband and he has been commanded to obey his parents.  From this you can gauge how great their rights are upon
you.  The husband's other relatives also have rights upon you
according to their stages.

12.  Whatever impression you make in the beginning will be always
remembered. From the outset have respect for the elders and mercy
for the young. Do not leave any of your work for others nor let your possessions lie around.

13. You may have read the condition of Rasulullah's daughter who
used to grind wheat on the mill-stone.  Who is a greater princess
than her?   Therefore do not shy away from any hard work.  Do not be hesitant in doing what your mother-in-law and sisters-in-law do. Do
it yourself without them telling you.  In this way the in- law's
love for you will increase.

14. Rasulullah  Sallallahu  Alaihi Wasallam has regarded an
eavesdropper as a very evil person.  Therefore if two persons are
speaking softly to each other, separate from them and do not try to
find out what they were speaking about. Also do not unnecessarily
feel that they were speaking about you as this creates hatred in the heart which wipes out all good deeds.

15.  Regard your husband's house as the centre of your hopes.  Do
not live with dissatisfaction even though the new home and new
people cause uneasiness.

16. Every action of yours will be scrutinized. Therefore inculcate a habit of being moderate.  Be careful when conversing. Do not chatter too much because it is an evil habit nor be so quiet because this is regarded as pride.

17. If you dislike something at the in-laws, do not backbite about
it at home. To inform your mother of every minor thing about your in-laws and for the mother to find out about them is an extremely
abominable act. It leads to mutual arguments and disputes and
eventually leads to separation.

18. The adage "a slovenly woman's home is in darkness" is famous. 
Never be negligent in cleanliness.  Keep the husband's possessions
neat and tidy. Also keep the room clean. You should do all the work
yourself. Safeguard all your belongings. Fold the clothes and keep
them away.  Do not make excuses in doing any task, nor lie because
it removes trust and even when the truth is spoken there won't be
certainty.

19.  The love between husband and wife offends Shaytaan the most. 
He plans to sow hatred between them, causes doubt and suspicion. 
Bear this in mind and do not slander on minor doubts, for instance
by saying: you joke too much with so and so (female), or you go
there very often, or you always sit there. If the husband is
innocent you can imagine how hurt he will feel. Added to this is the sin of the hereafter. Even if he has such an evil habit, it will not be remedied in this manner. To do this you will have to use wisdom.  Discuss the matter with him in secret.  If this method fails to make him realize the evil of the habit, be  patient.  Do not go around
telling everyone and disgracing him. Do not become stern and harsh
in order to suppress him as this will only make him adamant and you
will eventually suffer.  Remember that the simplest way of making
him submit is to be loyal and obedient.  To express anger and become enraged is a grave mistake and shows lack of intellect.

20. There are many instances to be found where a woman's gentleness
and patience have changed the man.  If the husband is so wicked that he reaches the extremes in oppressing her, then Allah Ta'ala has
destroyed him. Women should not become impatient under any
circumstances.

THE UPBRINGING OF CHILDREN

The nature of children is like a plain paper.  Whatever is imprinted on it initially will remain forever.  Therefore it is important to
create good images on this clean and pure page.  Whatever habit,
good or evil is inculcated in childhood remains for life. Hereunder
a few points relating to the upbringing of children will be
mentioned.

1. The first nourishment of a child is the mother's milk.  She
should partake of halaal and pure food so that the milk which is
formed from it is pure.  Milk has a great effect on the life of
children.

2. Muslim children have to carry the banner of bravery during their
lives. They should be taught to be courageous.  Women have a habit
of frightening children, sometimes from the police and sometimes
from some other fearful thing.  This is an abominable habit and
creates cowardice.

3. Just as a weak plant rots due to excessive water, so are children spoilt when given excessive food and at improper times.  Appoint a
time for feeding the child so that he remains healthy.  Do not
overfeed him.

4. Do not decorate them excessively.  Yes, do consider their
cleanliness and bathe them daily in summer.

5. Do not inculcate a habit in boys of wearing expensive clothing
and in girls of wearing jewellery, etc. from the beginning.  It is
not a commendable habit of having vanity and pride from childhood.

6. Children are covetous by nature.  Therefore make an attempt to
discard this habit of theirs by teaching them to give food,
clothing, money etc. to the poor.  In the same manner teach them to
distribute food etc. to their brothers and sisters in order to learn the habit of generosity.

7. Children can learn well by means of examples. Explain the evils
of eating excessively to them, but do not mention anyone's name.

8. Do not give children so much that they develop the habit of
asking nor frustrate them so much that they lose hope.  Do not
fulfil all their wishes as this spoils their nature.

9.  Friends have a great effect. Keep your children away from those
who have evil habits, or escape from studies or are used to
ceremonious food and clothing.

10.  Anger, speaking lies, to be envious of others, stealing, back-
biting, defending ones statement, to speak of futile things
excessively, to laugh unnecessarily and to deceive are all dangerous characteristics.  If the child commits any of them, admonish him
immediately.

11. Just as a child is spoilt by impoliteness similarly is he spoilt by excessive affection and love.  If he breaks anything or hits
someone, punish him accordingly so that he does not repeat the act.
If love and affection is shown at such an occasion, it will
permanently spoil the child.

12. Encourage acts of piety and inculcate the habit of salaah from
the age of seven.

13. When the  child is capable of going to Madrasah, make him first
learn the Quran. Do not let him abscond.

14. Occasionaly read the stories of the pious to him.

15.  Books that besmirch the character are very common. Do not allow him to read books that contain love stories, subject matter that is
contrary to the shariat or useless stories and poems etc.  Instead,
teach him to read books of deen and good morals.

16. Moderation is praiseworthy in every act.  Do not bind him to
studies all the time.  When he returns from madressa, permit him to
play for a while so that he becomes active, but the entertainment
should not be spiritually or physically harmful.

17.  Besides deeni (religious) education, also teach him a trade or
profession.  Learning a skill will enable him to earn at the time of need and difficulty and support himself and his family.

18.  Educate girls, the minimum being such that they can write
letters and be able to calculate the expenses of the house.

19.  Inculcate in children the habit of doing their work themselves.

20.  Remember that when a child does a praiseworthy act he should be congratulated and shown love, in fact he should be rewarded as an
encouragement.  When he commits a wrong act, he should be
reprimanded in privacy and warned not to repeat the crime. If he
repeats the act, punish him accordingly.

21. Teach them to respect elders in general and the fathers in
particular.  The mother should make the child fear the father so
that he is respected.

22.  Do not allow the child to do any act in secret, whether it is
playing, eating, or any other work.  Remember that if he does
anything in secret he regards it as unlawful. If it is something
wrong he should be taught to forget such a habit and if it is good
like eating or drinking, he should be taught not to hide and do
things suspiciously.

23. Teach the child to do menial tasks and to exercise for physical
well-being e.g. calisthenics or walking for a kilometer.

24. Another way of pleasing the child is to give him a few cents 
occasionally so that he spends them according to his desire, but
ensure that he does not buy something without your knowledge nor
anything harmful.

25. Remind the child as often as possible of the following
etiquettes when partaking of meals:

To begin by saying Bismillah, to eat with the right- hand, to eat
from directly in front of himself, not to stare at the food as
greedy people do, not to eat hastily, to chew the food properly, not to take another morsel before swallowing the first one, to take the
morsel properly so that gravy does not spill onto the clothing and
the fingers do not mess unnecessarily, not to move the face when
chewing a morsel, not to be bare-headed whilst eating, to wash the
hands before and after meals, to drink water with the right hand and in 3 breaths and to praise Allah after eating

THE ETIQUETTE OF A GATHERING

Good manners and habits are the best jewels. Whichever woman adorns
herself with them will be regarded as the most beloved by all.
Whoever you meet, meet them with respect and speak gently. Do not
clean your nose in the presence of others. If the need arises, move
away from there.  If you want to yawn or sneeze, place your hand
over your mouth and lower your voice. Do not crack your fingers nor
look at someone every now and then unnecessarily. Remain sitting in
your place with respect. Do not speak too much nor take an oath for
trivial things. Whenever possible do not begin speaking.  When
someone else speaks, listen attentively so as not to hurt their
feelings. However, do not listen if it is something sinful. It will
be better to prevent her, or to move away from there. Until a person has finished speaking, do not interrupt. When someone arrives and
there is no place in the gathering, move slightly from your place.
Sit close together so that there is sufficient place. When meeting
someone or departing greet with Assalamu-Alaikum and in answer say
Waalaikumus-Salaam.  Avoid using words like "hello" and "bye" which
are in vogue nowadays.

THE ETIQUETTE WITH THE HUSBAND'S FAMILY

Understand from the outset that noble girls arrive in the bridal car and depart in the funeral bier, i.e. they love the in-laws. To
achieve this you have to consider these factors:  Respect your
mother-in-law in all conditions as you respect your own mother. 
Always give  preference to her pleasure whether you are in
difficulty or ease. Do not say something that may distress or
displease her. When addressing her, use words that are used for
elders.  If she admonishes you, heed her advice with silence. Do not back- answer her even though it is something unpleasant and bitter. 
Serve her as you would serve your mother.  If she assigns a task to
someone else, go ahead and do it yourself.

Respect your father-in-law as your own father. The same etiquette
applies to your father-in-law as we have explained above with
regards to the mother-in-law.  As far as possible try and comfort
him and serve him. If you intend going to some function, take the 
husband's or father-in-law's or mother-in-law's permission. Proceed
only if permission is granted. Treat your husband's brothers wives
and his sisters like your own sisters. If they are young treat them
like your young sisters, because they will treat you as you treat
them. Be patient if the sisters-in-law annoy you. In exchange of
harsh treatment react with kindness.  Do not mention anyone's faults to others nor speak ill of anyone in his/her absence  as  this is
backbiting which is a major sin.  Back-biting is the cause of grief
and mutual quarrels. Some women say that we are not lying because
this fault is found in that person. Remember that ghibat
(backbiting) is to mention someones faults behind his back and if
that fault is not in him, it constitutes slander, which is a more
serious crime than back-biting.  Regarding back-biting there is an
incident of a woman who kept on back-biting while she was fasting. 
Rasulullah  Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam did not permit her to break
her fast saying that she is not fasting (in reality).  When she was
ordered to vomit by Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam, a clot of blood fell from her mouth. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam
remarked that she had been back-biting all day long and drinking the blood of people.

Treat the children of your father-in-law or those related to him
with extreme compassion.  Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam
said:  "The person who does not respect the elders nor treats the
young with kindness is not of us".  As far as possible treat
children kindly and elders with respect according to their status. 
If there is a maid in the house, do not burden her with tasks beyond her ability. If a certain task is difficult assist her with it.  Do
not speak harshly to her.  If she is ill or in some difficulty, 
help and serve her.

ORGANISATION OF THE HOME

If the house is well-organized it will flourish even though the
income is little and the poverty will not be apparent.  If the house is not well organized, it will be full of misfortune and poverty,
even if the inhabitants are wealthy.  The most important factor is
estimating the expenses and considering their occasions. There
should be moderation in the expenses so that they do not exceed the
income, nor should they be so minimal that it leads to miserliness. 
Allah Ta'ala has expressed contempt in the Holy Quran for those who
are extravagant and those who are miserly.  Love for wealth will
make you hoard it and prevent you from spending it on your
necessities. Spend according to your need. Do not desire what the
wealthy possess. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said:  "In
worldly matters look at the one lower than you, you will be
satisfied, but in deeni matters look at those higher than you so
that you can be encouraged to do pious acts."  Keep everything in
its proper place. Only keep those utensils outside which you require often. Keep the rest inside, only removing them when necessary. 
After the need is fulfilled return them to their places.

THE RIGHTS OF THE PARENTS

The parents have great rights.  After obedience to the Creator of
the Universe, it is compulsory to obey the parents.  Allah Ta'ala
has commanded that parents should always be obeyed.  If both or one
of them becomes old in your lifetime, do not (regarding them as
weak) even say "oof" to them nor reproach them. Always speak gently
to them.

Rasulullah  Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said:  "Allah's pleasure lies in the pleasure of the parents and the displeasure of Allah lies in
displeasing the parents." In another hadeeth Rasulullah Sallallahu
Alaihi Wasallam said that kindness to parents is greater than
optional salaah, charity, fasting, haj, umrah and jihaad in the path of Allah.  He also said that the person who spends the morning in
such a condition that his parents are pleased with him, then two
doors of Jannat are opened for him, and if only one of them, the
mother or the father is alive, then one door of heaven is opened. 
If he spends the morning in such a condition that his parents are
displeased with him, two doors of hell are opened and if only the
mother or the father is displeased then one door of hell is opened. 
This command applies to all conditions, whether the parents are just and kind to him or they are unjust and oppressive.  In the hadeeth
Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam repeated this statement
thrice:  "Even if the parents oppress him."

The attention of the previous ummat was also drawn to the rights of
the parents because it is related to the nature of man.  Allah
Ta'ala addressed Musa Alaihi Salaam saying:  "O Musa! The Muslim who does good to his parents and disobeys Me, then repents, I will note
him down as a thankful and good servant and whoever obeys Me and
disobeys his parents and then repents I will still regard him as
disobedient."

Always beware of the curse of the parents, because Rasulullah
Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said :  "A mother's dua for her children
is very swiftly accepted".  At another instance he said: "Serve the
mother because heaven lies below her feet". In these type of 
ahadeeth  great emphasis is laid on obedience and service to
parents.  The reason for this is that they bore great hardships for
your sake.  How many sleepless nights they spent for you.  If you
became slightly ill, how much attention they paid to you.  When you
were in any slight difficulty they were prepared to undergo a
thousand difficulties to remove one difficulty of yours.  Their
condition is explained in this couplet:

"If you were roused a little they became afraid,
when you had a little fear they were placed in difficulty".

For your comfort they did not for a moment regard day as day and
night as night. How much of sorrow did they have to experience to
keep you happy. A slight change in your face would change all their
joy into grief. One falling tear from your eye would strike their
hearts like lightning.

Just as the parents desire your physical comfort, similarly they
desire your spiritual well-being as well. Besides giving you good
clothing they also disciplined you with good character and a sound
education. It is for this reason that you should read books which
teach you nobility, discipline, sympathy and house-keeping etc. and
you are prohibited from books containing false stories, legends and
subject-matter that besmirches the character. They do all this so
that your character is not affected because they realize that
children are a trust from Allah who have not only been entrusted to
them for up-bringing but also for education and discipline.  If they are deficient in their training then it is as if they are
disregarding an important compulsion of Allah Ta'ala and are
breaching Allah's trust. On the day of Qiyamat they will have
lowered heads in front of Allah due to regret. Rasulullah Sallallahu
Alaihi Wasallam said that every one is responsible for his subjects
and the parents are guardians of their children.  On the day of
judgment they will be questioned as to how they educated their
children. In view of this, they disregard their comfort to
accommodate your comfort and peace. They have made arrangements for
the tuition of a pious tutor from whose company you can benefit so
that you can be called a well-mannered girl and be an example of
nobility and character, thereby achieving the honour and respect of
this world and the hereafter.  Sisters, should we not appreciate all the efforts of the parents?  Should we not obey them and serve them?

Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said that the one who forgets
the favour of a human being is also ungrateful to Allah.  If we
disobey our sympathetic and kind parents and do not appreciate them
nor serve them, who can be more ungrateful than us. The worst sin is to disobey Allah Ta'ala. He has  emphasized obedience to parents and thankfulness to them in several places in the Holy Quran. Here are
some of the verses:

"Your creator has commanded you to worship none besides Him, and be
helpful and favourable to your parents.  If one of them becomes old
in your presence, do not even say "oof" to them nor reproach them
but say noble words to them. Be humble to them and continue making
this dua for them:  O my nourisher, have mercy on them just as they
nurtured me in my childhood".

In this verse it has been clearly mentioned that the greatest right
of Allah upon anyone is to worship none besides Him,  that is, not
to ascribe any partner to Him.  Then the rights of the parents are
explained.  When a child is delivered from the mother's womb the
parents nurture the child in all ways. Thus He has emphasized their
obedience and gratitude. In another verse He states:

"We have commanded man to obey Me and be thankful to his parents as
his mother bore burden upon burden and kept him in her womb and his
weaning is after two years.  Remember that you have to return to Me."

In this verse the rights of the mother are more than the father,
because the difficulty of bearing the child has been predestined for the mother.  Hence the favour of the mother and her gratitude is
more than the father.

In another verse Allah Ta'ala has mentioned this in more detail:
"We have commanded man to be kind to his parents.  His mother bore
him with great difficulty and problems and the period of his stay in
the womb and weaning is 30 months.  O my Guardian, grant me the
ability to thank You for this favour which You have bestowed upon me
and my parents, and that I do such pious actions which please You
and grant my children also this ability.  I turn towards You in
obedience".

In this verse also, the mother's rights have been mentioned as being
greater. For so many months she carried him in her womb, walked
about with him, underwent great difficulties, breast-fed him for 2
years and cared for him in every possible way.  She sacrificed all
her comforts for his peace and comfort. The father also shared in
many of these difficulties and made all the requirements for up-
bringing available.  There is no doubt that these duties are done
naturally but the requirement of nature is that the children
perceive the love and compassion of the parents and be grateful for
their efforts and sacrifices.  This is a virtue in this world also
and in the hereafter it has great merits.

On one occasion whilst climbing the pulpit, Rasulullah  Sallallahu
Alaihi Wasallam said, while placing his foot on the first
step "Aameen". Then he placed his foot on the next step and
said "Aameen" and then he placed his foot on the third step and
said "Aameen" . On completion of the sermon he stepped down. The
Sahaba Radhiallahu Anhum asked:  "O Rasulullah, today we have
witnessed something new which we did not experience before".
Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam remarked "Jibraeel Alaihi
Salaam appeared in front of me.  When I put my foot on the first
step he said "Woe to that person who witnesses the month of Ramadan
and yet is not successful".  I said Aameen. On the second step he
said "Destruction to the person in whose presence your name is
mentioned and he does not send salutations upon you.  I said Aameen.
When I placed my foot on the third step he said :  "Destruction to
the person in whose presence both his parents or one of them become
old and they cannot make him enter jannat.  I said Aameen."

Can there be any limit to the misfortune of a person whom Jibreel
curses and Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam says Aameen?

It is mentioned in a hadith that from among the doors of jannat, the best door is the father. If you desire, safeguard it otherwise
destroy it.  A Sahabi asked what the rights of the parents are.
Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam replied:  "They are your
heaven or your hell i.e. earning their pleasure is a means of
gaining jannah and earning their displeasure is a means of entry
into hell."

My sisters! Whatever details have been mentioned regarding the
parents will also guide you in your new home.  Wherever you get
married, there too you will have to practice according to these
guidelines to be successful.

A NEW HOUSE, NEW FACES

It has been predestined for women to be brought up in their parents
home and live somewhere else. At the time of your departure to your
new house your mother, sisters and near relatives will be shedding
tears in the sorrow of your separation and bidding you farewell.  On the contrary when you reach there you will be welcomed with smiles
and laughter. The whole house will be full of love and joy.  Ecstasy
will be emanating from all sides.  Everyones face will be cheerful
and their speech humorous.  Each and every person will be smiling
and you will reach this house like a light that is brought to a
gathering.  You will be the centre of attention.  Young and old,
everyone will  desire to see you.  Every movement of yours will be
observed and every action criticized. But all this tumult will only
be for a few days.  During this commotion it is your obligation to
be cautious.  You should spend the preliminary days with extreme
dignity, free of pride and a cheerful disposition free of
childishness.  The first person whom you will have contact with in
your new house will be your life-partner and your companion.  With
this person you have to spend your whole life and attach all your
hopes to him.  If he desires your life can be one of lament and
sorrowful destruction. In short your future progress or retrogress
depends entirely on him.  Therefore your first obligation will be to try and understand your life-partner and to mould all your desires
according to his wishes as far as possible.

The most important factor is to recognize the nature of a person. 
There will be comfort for each one in recognizing the nature of the
other and living accordingly.  Today there are numerous cases  where the lives of the husband and wife were destroyed merely because
there existed a difference in their nature and each one did not
understand the others temperament.  You may have indeed heard of or
witnessed incidents like these in every city and village where the
union was destroyed.

We have information of a girl whose husband neither calls her  nor
separates from her. He also does not send any money for her
expenses.  Life has become worse than death. The cause for this
conflict is not very complex. The matter has deteriorated due to a
minor issue. The girl admits that the husband initially loved her
intensely, but she did not appreciate his love.  She always went
against his opinion. Initially the matter was not serious and the
husband bore it but the girl did not change her habit. This resulted in more quarrels until it became impossible for the husband and wife to live together. We are not advocating that the husband was not at
fault. He may also have been guilty. In short this situation arose
because they did not understand each others temperament. The woman
should realise that she is the one to suffer more harm because the
husband is free to marry while she has many difficulties to face.

From this example you may have understood what my aim is. I am not
advocating that the wife must obey every trivial command. However I
am certain that if she acts intelligently and understands the habits and temperament of the husband, the situation will not deteriorate.

There is one distinguishing feature in males and that is he does not tolerate anything that goes against his opinion. If any woman does
not want her life to be ruined, it is in her interest not to openly
oppose the husband in any matter. A sensible approach should be
adopted to persuade him. This is called "practical wisdom".

I remember an incident of Delhi which is significant because of the
many lessons that can be learnt from it. A girl by the name of
Fathima was married to a man from a decent, well-educated family.
Fathima was also well-educated, understanding and had a good nature.
When she arrived at her in-laws, a new world was revealed to her.
All the faces were strange and their ways unique. Besides the mother-in-law, there were 3 sisters-in-law. The eldest was Azraa who had seperated from her husband after having a dispute with him. This was probably due to her ill-temper. The second sister-in-law was Zuhra who was not as yet married. The youngest was Sugra who was about 7-8 years old.

Fathima noticed from the very outset that the mother-in-law was ill-
tempered. She quarrelled very often with her daughters and son.
Azraa was convinced that she could not live with her in-laws after
her dispute with them. Zuhra also did not seem to be amicable and
polite. Fathima initiallly acquainted herself with Sugra who
provided her with the information she required. The father-in-law
was a sensible and pious man. Fathima's husband, Aslam was educated
in a western institute and was fashion conscious. He was always
engrossed in adorning himself. He had no concern for domestic
affairs. Fathima was badly trapped in a house where each individual
had a unique character. If there was someone immature in her place,
the situation would have deteriorated immediately. However Fathima
was sensible and determined. After assessing the situation at her in-laws she intended to remedy it.

She was surprised to learn that the combined income of the father-in-law and husband was sufficient to run the house, yet it was in a
deplorable state. The expenses seemed to surpass the income. The
father-in-law was unaware of the situation. He used to hand over his salary to his wife and never enquired where the money was spent. The mother-in-law spent the money as she pleased. Everyone feared her
and dreaded her temper. There were 2 maids in the house who were
thieves. As for the male servant, he was clamourous and never
listened to the women. If they said anything he would answer them
back. It was not the work of any ordinary person to improve the
condition of such a corrupt house. It was impossible for her to
decelerate the moving train of this house all of a sudden.

She observed each individual with a keen eye. The ill-tempered
mother-in-law used to stare at Fathima with stern eyes. The stare
alone prevented her from taking any action. Azraa never spoke to
Fathima in a respectable manner. She used to complain day and night
of her own in-laws and this left no opportunity for Fathima to
confront her. Fathima tolerated her insults. She knew that it was a
great achievement to repel evil with nobility. She practised on the
following verses of the Quran:

When they (the pious servants of Allah)listen to futile talk, they
turn away from it and say "We have our work and you have your work.
Be peaceful, we seek not the ignorant."  (Al Quran 28:55)

It is mentioned in a hadeeth that whoever listens to someones insult and bears it with patience, the angels reply on his behalf. Allah
loves those who have patience and raises their status. In short,
Fathima used to listen to them but never replied. The second sister-
in-law was cunning, extremely clamorous, quarrelsome and accused for every petty thing. However Fathima became acquainted with her
temperament.

She did not give her an opportunity to begin a quarrel. However she
used to hurl epithets from far off.  Fathima used to practice on the
Quranic verse:  "Fight off evil with good and repel bad character
with good character".

Rasulullah Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam has said in this regard that
a brave person amongst you is not the one that floors the next
person. However a brave person is one who suppresses his anger.  At
another instance he said that whoever tolerates his enemy's evil
speech is a brave person.  The youngest sister-in-law was on
Fathima's side because she won her confidence from the outset.

The mutual love of the husband and wife did not remain after a
while.  There was no open confrontation because Fathima, due to her
self-respect did not let such a situation arise.However the
relationship between the two was not healthy. The main reason for
this relationship not developing was the mother-in-law. She used to
incite the son secretly.  She used to attempt to cause friction
between the two at every opportunity.  The mother's provocation and
his own attitude became a stumbling block.

The man's condition deteriorated to such an extent that he used to
spend all his time, besides his employment time with other men. Now
he even used to have his meals away from home.  He used to come home from school, wash and change quickly, have tea hastily and leave
home to enjoy himself.  He used to return home at eleven or twelve
o'clock at night.  If he desired he came. Then he used to sleep
through till the morning.  There was no time left to speak to his
wife.

First of all Fathima attempted to bring her husband onto the right
track.  She did not begin quarelling with her husband, but instead
spoke more cheerfully to him. It never occurred to the husband for
once that his coming home late at night displeased the wife.  In
fact he used to ponder as to what a strange wife he has who does not even care about anything.  Whether I come home late or early she
does not even bother.  But the wife was silently planning.

The hadeeth of Rasulullah Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam in which he
said:  "O woman! Remember your husband is your heaven and your
hell." i.e. earning your husband's pleasure will entitle you to
jannat and earning his displeasure will entitle you to jahannam, had a great effect on Fathima.

She also knew another hadeeth in which it is mentioned that amongst
women the best is the one that keeps her husband happy when he looks at her, obeys him when he commands her, and does not earn his anger
by disobeying him with regards to his life and wealth.  In other
words the woman that pleases her husband with her life and wealth is the best in the sight of Allah and his Rasul Sallallahu alaihi wa
sallam.  Therefore why should she not be pleased when the husband
was happy.  One day she found the husband in a good mood and asked
him fearfully if she could make a comment:

ASLAM:  With pleasure, what is the matter?
FATHIMA:  It is nothing serious but it is worrying me.  You remain
outside the whole day.  I know that men have hundreds of jobs to do, and if they remain away from home during the day there is no
problem. Men cannot remain at home like women, but the problem is
that you remain away from home for a major portion of the night as
well and I feel afraid of being alone.

ASLAM:  What can I do, I do not have sufficient time during the
day.  At night I go out for some fresh air as you know it to be my
habit.  And there, some friend or another takes me away.  I also
want to return early but they do not let me go until it becomes
quite late.  I regret that because of me you have to take the
trouble of waiting.  From tomorrow I will try coming early Insha-
Allah.
FATHIMA:  May Allah fulfil our intentions.

This incident was forgotten.The wife let the husband do as he
desired and did not remind him about the incident. However there was a slight change in that instead of returning at eleven or twelve o'
clock he began returning at 9 o'clock.  How effective was the wife's advice and why should it not be because when something is uttered at the appropriate occasion it is effective.

After a few days it became known that he had fallen into the company of some vagabonds and that he was wasting his health and his
valuable time at evil places. Fathima was not such a fool to engage
herself in combat with him and immediately demand an explanation. 
If she had done this she would have lost her husband as well as her
respect. She carried on planning secretly.  She never spoke out of
turn and did not even bring a word of complaint on her tongue. She
acted innocent as if she was unaware of her husband's actions. She
was looking for an opportune moment when the advice would not go
heedless.

One day she found an opportunity and began saying:  "All these
companions of yours are like the wind.  Their company is highly
poisonous for you.  They are all self-seeking without the slightest
concern for you.  I know that what I am saying now may hurt you but
you are educated and understanding.  I am deficient in
intelligence.  To advice you is tantamount to teaching Luqman, The
Wise and to light a lamp in front of the moon, but what can I do, I
am compelled.  I cannot see you going astray or falling into evil
company with my eyes closed.  Can I be happy to see you in such a
condition?  Can I overlook the harm that is afflicting your life and property?  I cannot remain blind to all this.  Remember what I am
saying very clearly. If  (May Allah forbid) you fall into some kind
of difficulty then those who are claiming to be your bosom-friends
and saying that "where your perspiration falls we will sacrifice our blood,"  are all companions of a moving vehicle.  When the time
comes no one will assist.  What must people be saying after seeing
you in such evil company?  They may not be mentioning anything in
front of you out of respect, but behind your back they will
definitely be rebuking you.

What can be a more decent and interesting pastime for educated
people than reading books.  How wonderful will it be if you spend
your time at home reading books instead of wasting it in evil
company.  You will not only be cheerful but you will be safe from
these indecent people.  Do not think that I am telling you this for
personal motives.  Even if it is for personal motives then what harm is there.  After all I am your wife.  There can be no one more
helpful and obliging than me.  I do not want you to sit at my feet
the whole day.  Not at all.  Men are not imprisoned in the house
like women.  The one who intends to imprison them is insane.  It is
essential for your good health to walk in the fresh air for a while
but be moderate.

The husband, on hearing this conversation agreed because he was
understanding.  At that moment he became so ashamed that he could
not answer.  If something is said at the appropriate time how can
there be an answer for it?  He kept quiet and from that moment
regret for all his actions was visible on his countenance and he
began saying to himself:  "What must I do? I cannot change my ways
all of a sudden." His inner self was reproaching him.  At that very
moment he resolved to lessen all relationships gradually.

If Fathima was not far-sighted and understanding and was like the
women of today who begin quarrelling immediately, she would have
lost her husband.  She did not even inform her husband that she knew all about his activities.  Whenever the husband came home, she
immediately welcomed him cheerfully and obeyed whatever he said. 
She never interrupted him nor said anything to hurt his feelings.

Fathima knew that her husband was like a sick person who was in need of the doctor's compassion and cure.  She was compassionate to him
and simultaneously began curing him.  Eventually she was successful
and due to her wisdom did not disgrace herself.

Remember that the house you are now going to, was under the control
of your mother-in-law.  All the affairs of the house went according
to her wishes. More importance was attached to her opinion in all
the matters of the house.  Your life-partner may have also obeyed
her.

It is thus apparent that the whole system of the home cannot change
all of a sudden. The affairs of the house will continue to run as
before. The people of the house will continue obeying the elders. 
You do not have to feel offended about this.  If you have this hope
that upon your arrival all the individuals of the house will
relinquish their choices and regard you as their superior, this is a misunderstanding on your part and from such hope you will achieve
nothing except anguish and anxiety.

By accepting the guardianship of the elders one benefit is that if
any difficult situation arises, their experience simplifies the
matter.  And if there is any mistake in work done in consultation
with the elders, you will not be disgraced. The cause of most
disputes between men and women in this world is the lack of
understanding on behalf of the women. Men become frustrated by the
lack of understanding and uncouth manners of women. They become
annoyed and choose another road. They do not think of coming home
for years and due to the evil character of the women, become stone-
hearted.

Some women feel that they hail from wealthy homes, they have brought so many commodities, thus it is below their dignity to obey the
husband, mother-in-law and father-in-law. This is sometimes so
extreme that they do not even speak to their husbands properly.
Leave aside serving him, they do not even do their own work.  They
make him dance to their tune. As long as the husband fulfils all
their whims and fancies and obeys them, there will be peace in the
house.

These kind of women regret one day when all their wealth cannot
prevent the separation from the husband.  The husband becomes
frustrated and annoyed while she sits at home shedding tears of
blood.  The reality is that no matter how much dowry is given it
cannot decrease the rights of the husband.

EXPERIENCE AND ORGANISATION

1. As far as possible do not have both your sons' or both daughters' weddings at the same time because there will be a difference between the daughters-in-law and the sons-in-law, in the features of the
boys and girls, in their neatness of clothing and in their modesty. 
There are many other factors in which there will be differences and
people have the habit of extolling one and criticizing the other. 
This will unjustly hurt the feeling of the other.

2. Do not trust each and every person nor be in the habit of leaving the house in someones custody.  Until you are not confident of a
persons integrity, do not place your trust in him.  In some areas
many women enter the homes, some in the guise of hajees with a piece of the cloth of the Kaaba, some making taweez knots etc., some as
fortune tellers and some with amusements.  Do not let them enter the house. They have destroyed many a home.

3. Do not leave your safe or box which contains money, jewellery and valuables open and walk away.  Either lock it or take it with you.

4. As far as possible do not purchase goods on credit. However if
you are compelled to do so, make a note of the price and the date of purchase and pay as soon as possible.

5. Keep a record of the clothing given for washing.  Do not rely on
your memory.

6. As far as possible keep the house expenses to a minimum.  In fact you should save from the amount you are given to use for the house.

7. Do not tell those women who habitually come to the house from
elsewhere such things which you do not want others to know of
because they carry tales to many houses.

8. Do not cook rice and flour by estimate.  Approximate your
expenses and measure the ingredients for both meals. Do not pay heed if anyone teases you.

9. When your daughters go outside, do not make them wear jewellery.  There is fear of both life and wealth.

10. If a man comes to the door and explains his relationship or
friendship or any kind of contact with your husband, father or
brother, do not allow him inside i.e. even after making pardah nor
give him anything valuable.  Send food etc. to him as if he is a
stranger.  Do not show too much affection and sincerity unless a 
male from the house recognizes him.  Similarly do not use anything
which he may give you.  Do not be perturbed if he gets offended.

11. If an unknown woman comes and informs you that she was told to
come and fetch you, do not accompany her. Do not do any work which a stranger may tell you to do, nor give him anything from the house.

12. Do not let such a tree grow in the house, the fruit of which can injure someone.

13. Wear warm clothing in winter.  Most women do not wear sufficient clothing and this inevitably results in colds and flu.

14. Teach the children the parents' names and even the grandfather's name and ask them occasionally in order for them to remember. The
benefit of this is that if the child gets lost and is asked about
his parents, he can mention the name. In this way someone or the
other can return the child to the parents. If the child does not
know the name, he will say I am mummy's child or daddy's, making it
difficult to trace the actual parents.

15. At a certain place a woman left her child and went away for some work. Meanwhile a cat came and scratched the child so viciously that he died.  Two lessons can be learnt from this: Firstly, a child
should not be left alone.  Secondly, dogs and cats can never be
trusted.  Some women foolishly make the cats sleep with them.  What
guarantee do they have of the cat not striking a paw deceivingly at
night, or biting or getting hold of the jugular vein.

16. Before using any medicine always show it to the doctor first.
Clean it thoroughly before using. Sometimes an unqualified doctor
may give you a wrong prescription. Whatever medicine remains over in a container or sachet should be labelled otherwise no one may
recognize it. No matter how expensive it was, it will have to be
discarded.  You may remember wrongly and use it for some other
illness, thus causing even more harm.

17. If you do happen to give a loan, do not give too much.  Give an
amount which, in the event of non-repayment will not overburden you.

18. When intending to undertake something new or major, first take
the advice of an understanding, religious and obliging person.

19. Keep your money and valuables safely hidden.  Do not mention it
to everyone.

20. When writing a letter to someone write the address clearly.  If
you happen to write to the same person again, do not leave your
address out assuming the addressee to have remembered it from your
first letter.  Allah knows best whether the first letter reached or
not.  If perchance it did not reach, how much inconvenience the
addressee will experience especially if he does not know the address by memory or is illiterate.

21. When travelling by public transport eg. a train, safeguard your
ticket very carefully. Do not be negligent and sleep in the train
nor tell any fellow passenger your secret or mention anything about
your valuables and jewellery. Do not eat anything given to you by
strangers eg. betel leaf, sweetmeats etc.  Do not wear jewellery
when travelling by train. Keep it safely in a box etc. You can wear
it on reaching home.

22. Always keep some loose coins in your pocket.

23. Do not interfere with an insane person nor speak to him.  If he
is not in his senses, he may say or do something that is highly
embarrassing to you.

24. Do not place your barefeet anywhere in the dark nor your hand. 
First switch the light on and then proceed.

25. Do not tell each and every person your secret. By mentioning it
to others it is more likely to be exposed.

26. Keep the necessary medicines at home.

27. Always ponder at the consequence of any act before attempting it.

28. Do not purchase crockery and utensils unnecessarily as this
destroys ones wealth.

29. If women are sitting in a train and their husbands are sitting
in another coach, the women should not alight by observing or
hearing the name of the station they intend going to.  Some cities
have 2 or 3 stations. There is a possibility that the men may alight at another station resulting in both parties separating and  causing unnecessary inconvenience. The women should disembark only when the
men come to fetch them.

30. Women should also keep the following items with them: a book of
masalahs (laws), a pen, paper and a jug for wudu.

31. Do not ask people going on a journey to bring anything for you
nor request them to take anything. These requests most often cause
inconvenience. If you intend to send a parcel or a letter, it can be posted.

32. Do not partake of anything given to you by a stranger on a
journey.  Sometimes criminals give poison or intoxicants with the
intention of looting your belongings.

33. Whilst hurrying to catch the train, be careful not to sit in a
class higher than the one you paid for.

34. Whilst sewing, if a needle gets stuck in the cloth, do not 
remove it with your mouth. Sometimes it may break or slip and pierce the palate or tongue.

35. Always keep a nailclipper with you.

36. Do not ever put medicine in the eyes.

37. Do not interfere in other peoples affairs nor give any advice.
However if you are requested to do so, there is no harm.

38. Do not insist on someone staying over. This can inconvenience a
person. What benefit is there in such love, the result of which is
animosity?

39. Do not carry something that is too heavy. Women should 
especially be careful because their joints and blood vessels are
much more delicate and sensitive.

40. Do not leave a needle or any sharp object lying around.  It can
cause an injury.

41. Do not punish a child or student with a thick stick nor kick him.

42. Do not give something heavy or dangerous from above someone. 
Even food and water should not be given from above someone.

43. Always inform the host if you have already eaten. This will not
inconvenience him by unnecessarily preparing food.

44. Do not buy and sell at an inconvenient place.

45. Children of a learning age should be given food which
strengthens the brain.

46. As far as possible do not remain alone at home during the
night.  Allah only knows what calamity can befall a person.

47. Do not allow children to do any risky or dangerous tasks.

48. Do not suddenly pick up bricks, stones etc. that are lying in
one place for a long time.  Very often scorpions or other harmful
creatures breed under them.  Always lift them up carefully.

49. When intending to lie on the bed, first dust it as there may be
some creature lying on it.

50. Place leaves of the margosa tree or camphor or naphthelene balls between silk and woollen clothing to prevent moths or worms from
breeding.

51. When concealing money at home, always tell one or two persons
whom you trust.

52. Some people use a lock and place the key somewhere nearby.  This is inefficient.

53. Do not light a lamp of oil as it is very harmful.  Be careful
when switching a lantern off. Do not place your hand on it.  Use a
fan or cloth to extinguish it.

54. If you want to count money at night, do so silently.

55. Do not leave a burning lamp in an empty house.  Similarly do not throw away a burning match.  Either extinguish it and then throw it
away or trample it with your shoe so that no spark remains.

56. Do not allow children to play with matches, fire and fireworks.

57. When going to toilet with a lamp, place it carefully so that it
does not burn the clothing.  Many people have sustained burns in
this manner. Kerosene oil especially, is very dangerous.

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